Friends of a Certain Age

The New York Times ran a piece last summer on the difficulty of making friends in adulthood. It generated such a response that they newspaper ran a second piece with a selection of readers’ comments. Clearly the subject of authentic friendship is something that needs more attention than most of us give it. I’ve talked about this a bit on this blog, in Talk, Talk, when I wrote about a friend with a new baby who was worried that she was being gossiped about. I’ve written plenty of pieces that so far haven’t seen the light of day because I don’t have the heart to broadcast them. I actually started writing this post right after the NYT pieces appeared, but it’s such a fraught subject that I procrastinated writing about it for over a year.

I could say something about Facebook, and how I’ve feel a little guilty for so easily substituting the old model of a handful of real life friends for tons of quick, low-commitment online friendships. Or about prioritizing the social lives of my children. After much thought about Facebook, I’ve decided it’s a net positive. While it might make me a healthier primate to commune daily and in person with other people I identify with, those people are often in short supply. And when I meet them, if it isn’t the dance of I’m-too-busy, you’re-too-busy preventing authentic connection, then it’s distance. Even within the Los Angeles area, making a friend in a far-flung location, coupled with family life and jobs, can be nearly impossible. In my case, new friends in Silverlake, the South Bay, or Orange County, might as well be in Oklahoma. It sounds like a silly Los Angeles affectation until you’re sitting in an hour of rush-hour on the 405 freeway, traffic not moving, with a screaming baby in the back seat, all because you thought it would be fun to see an old friend for coffee in Manhattan Beach. Do that a couple of times, and it’ll be back to funny Facebook comments and “likes” to demonstrate your affection to the far-away-yet-so-close friend.

To say nothing of whether couples and entire families can successfully “blind date” and become real friends. It rarely happens. I’ll save my stories of liking one member of a couple and thinking the other one might be a replicant for another time.

Don’t  misunderstand. I have actual friends, and sometimes I hang out with them. But about a decade ago when I became a parent in my early 30s, I discovered adult loneliness like I’d never imagined it. While I had no shortage of human contact if I wanted it, I had no one other than my spouse in my life who felt like an authentic friend. Maybe it was exacerbated by post-partum depression. Maybe it was because I’d abruptly changed career paths, dropping out of one while not fully engaging in the next one, the very isolated world of freelance writing. Maybe it was because I had an identity crisis that accompanied becoming a parent. Or none or all of the above.

Ten years later and out of that particular rut, the topic of grownup friendship still fascinates me. And even though I feel lucky to both no longer need the social slam dance I once craved as an adolescent and young adult and to have a group of good friends, every promising new potential friend I meet is that much more valuable.

Back to Facebook for a moment. 2013 has been the year of reconnecting with virtual friends. There have been a few friends who I knew and liked long ago, but weren’t close longterm friends, who I’ve spent time with in the “real” world. And because of a few coffee dates and time spent tooling around in a car while catching up, I now count these people among my meaningful, real life friendships.