Facebooking your freak out

 

Facebook is amazing.  And awful.  We all know that.  I’ve been on Facebook for about four years, and I credit being connected to various people from all times in my life to feeling better about sad times, like when I announce that I’m sad as I observe the death anniversary of my father or post a Christmas family photo from my childhood as part of remembering him.  Or when my dog was dying.  I also credit Facebook for the little lift I get from posting a nice photo of my kids, or my wedding photo on my anniversary — the “likes” from all over the world really add something nice to my day.  That being said, I think I’m in the category of being an over-sharer, something I hoped never to be.  On my recent vacation, I couldn’t stop myself from posting approximately one photo or pithy, trying-to-be-clever post per day (sometimes more).

Why did I do this?  Two reasons: 1) it’s such a habit at this point — I’m too attached to Facebook and my 470-ish friends, that make me feel like I’m not a lonely loser and never have been, 2) I’ve actually had a hard year, not the hardest by any means, and not for any good reason.  It’s just kind of existential, something about being post-40 and feeling like my whole career/family life/quotidian existence is an unhealthy mix of hurry up and wait.  The holidays especially filled me with what can only be characterized as a distinct lack of gratitude and joy.  I rushed around fulfilling my obligations and trying to stay healthy, keep my family healthy, but unfortunately 2012 was a year when I reflected on a number of the poor decisions I’ve made and how the ripples they make continue to affect my life.  I also had good things happen in my career and personal life, but the year didn’t end on an “up” note for me.  So I think the over-Facebooking my vacation was part of an aggressive fake-it-til-you-make-it campaign on my own behalf.  “Look!  See how awesome your life is!  You’re having the time of your life with your family!”

I have done this before, I’ll probably do it again.  That’s just how I am.  Saying it out loud helps me try not to rely on anyone else’s “likes” to tell me that my life is going along as it should.  I’m not going to bother with the dumb new year’s resolution I made last year — to spend less time on social media and more time with my kids.  I try to do that every day.  I am reading a book now, called The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman, and part of what I’m getting out of it is that “goals” and “resolutions” can sometimes sabotage you — as a part of your subconscious acts out the exact outcome you are trying to avoid.

So for now, my new year’s resolution is not to have any “resolutions.”